Kobe Bryant Demands Lakers Be Traded to Eastern Conference
Saying that he isn"t saying he is demanding it, and isn"t saying he isn"t demanding it, and possibly has been misquoted on what he didn"t say but possibly meant, Kobe Bryant today demanded that the entire Los Angeles Lakers team be traded to the Eastern Conference.
"It"s like this. You know how you look under your bed every now and then to see who"s there? Well, maybe you don"t, but I do. Anyway, you find these dust bunnies. They didn"t bother you in the first place, and they don"t bother you much when you find them, and you don"t feel better or worse when they"re gone. That"s the Milwaukee Bucks. They"re the dust bunnies of the Eastern Conference. Nobody will miss them when we swap conferences."
Bryant, who also demanded that General Manager Mitch Kupchak exchange jobs with Norm Smithers-manager of a Taco Bell Bryant frequents in Los Angeles, seemed unconcerned by the fact that the Lakers would be the only Eastern Conference team bordering the Pacific Ocean.
"Man, we"re the Lakers. The Lakers. You see any lakes around here? People talk about things not making sense. Does it make sense that the greatest player in the league is sitting at home while some 23 year old Kobe wannabe is getting to the finals making layoffs out of a half court offense against a bunch of tired old men. LeBron James is in the finals, every camera in the world is turned on him, and I"m making phone calls to see if I can get the lower left box on Hollywood Squares. Don"t talk to me about what makes sense."
Bryant says the Eastern Conference idea came to him after looking at the rest of the Lakers roster and realizing it would probably beat the Cavs roster without James. "Now, I don"t want to be traded for LeBron James straight up because, man it"s Cleveland. But still if Larry Hughes, Ilgauskus, and that Sideshow Bob guy from "The Simpsons" is enough of a supporting cast to win the East, then that"s where I want to be. Taking the whole team with me is the only way I can see for us to improve by 10 wins next year without spending any money."
"We were run out of the first round by the Phoenix Suns", Bryant continued. "Those guys were so fast up and down the court they were burning out sneakers during the game. In the East guys play their whole careers with the same pair of shoes. Shaq and Pat Riley told me you don"t even have to show up for the whole season. Just get your forty games in and get ready for the playoffs."
League insiders believe a move to the Eastern Conference could prolong Bryant"s career. "You get to a certain age and you want to get together with your friends, stand around awhile, get a little light excercise. Maybe go down to Miami for a few days for some sun. There"s two ways to do that. You can retire and go play shuffleboard, or get into the NBA Eastern Conference."
Bryant realizes the Lakers will have to adapt. "It"s confusing at first. Everyone plays without a center. You get to 70 points out West and it"s late in the third quarter. In the East you get to 70 and the coach is drawing up the last shot. We"ll just have to adapt."
An immediate improvement in the Lakers defensive reputation is anticipated. "Truthfully, most of us can"t guard my dad (whose been out of the league 20 years) but in the East everyone shoots 38% and talks about tough-D. I"m looking forward to that.", said Bryant.
Still no word from NBA Commissioner David Stern as to whether the trade will be approved. The league is reportedly embarrassed that the Bucks agreed to the move in exchange for a third round draft pick and the deal may have to be reworked. Also, some teams believe the Bucks agreed to the move as a ploy to get the number one draft pick next season. Competition for losses in the Eastern Conference is much stronger than out West.
Will the Lakers change conferences? The odds seem so remote that mathematically it is virtually an impossibility. Then again, a league that can arrange for the Trail Blazers and Sonics to get the first two draft picks can make just about anything happen. Stay tuned.
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